


a heart worth breaking

by CinnamonRollHughDancy (aaronwarnerisabeautifulstorm)



Series: life in the pain [1]
Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Feelings, Hannigram - Freeform, Heartbreak, I Made Myself Cry, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm new at this, M/M, Mizumono, Murder Husbands, Sadness, Shower of Angst, Tears, What Have I Done, centered on the events of mizumono, hannibal having feelings, otp, pre slash? idk, probably, so please be kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 01:22:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6402739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaronwarnerisabeautifulstorm/pseuds/CinnamonRollHughDancy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You remember how you weren't able to turn off that switch of humanity, how much it hurt and how it only persisted, grew, worsened when your eyes found haunted blue ones, the rawness of the encounter increasing the staccato inside your ribcage. You should have seen it sooner, should have expected it would end in no other way but that. Yet, you were blind, too entertained with the game to truly see it had stopped being a just a game to you, that it had progressively turned into something more."</p><p>Mizumono centered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a heart worth breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, there!! I've been waiting to do this for a while. I mean, I just recently became a Fannibal, I literally binge watched all three seasons in one week back in February and I swear to God I'm so deep in this fandom. The show is really amazing, it exceeded all my expectations (asides from distracting me from studying math), everything was bloody perfect, the plot, the actors, the performances, the music, the freaking cinematography. Hannibal is art in TV form. #1 fave tv show of all times. Also, Hannigram is the perfect OTP don't even get me started on that, I could spend my entire life rambling about how much I love the murder husbands. Seriously, don't test me. But no, actually do it. I need to talk with someone about this, you all Fannibals are really gorgeous beautiful people and I'm so ashamed for not joining you sooner. Like I joined during the HeAteUs and I'm like "Sooooo.... Season 4 where you at?" I have all my hopes in Netflix (OH HOLY NETFLIX PICK UP HANNIBAL OR ELSE).
> 
> Anyway, enough rambling. Please proceed and read, I hope this is not too crappy and that I'm actually doing something good. Just so you know English is not my main language, so there. A piece of knowledge about me. More over, I have no beta, this is not betaed so I'm please be kind to me haha.

Whenever you close your eyes you can feel the sheen of sweat on your skin, the taste of blood on your tongue bitter and metallic, the smell of terrible aftershave, the weight of the knife in your hand. You can hear the beating of your heart like it was back then, loud in your ears, a quick tempo, faster than it had ever been and surprisingly painful, almost like a gunshot wound except more severe.

You remember how you weren't able to turn off that switch of humanity, how much it hurt and how it only persisted, grew, worsened when your eyes found haunted blue ones, the rawness of the encounter increasing the staccato inside your ribcage. You should have seen it sooner, should have expected it would end in no other way but that. Yet, you were blind, too entertained with the game to truly see it had stopped being a just a game to you, that it had progressively turned into something more. A thought, an ideal, a hope, a plan, a future. It had to crash all around you until you finally noticed that you had built a sand castle instead of the fortress you had thought it was, and that same sand castle was about to be washed away by the upcoming waves, leaving nothing left behind.

You should have seen it.

It was in the dark locks of hair plastered to his forehead from the rain. It was in the torn apart expression (how dare he?), the trembling gun in his grasp, the lips that had tasted your cooking so many times before, the same ones that had uttered lies right in your very face, made false promises, spilled deceiving words that had fed your innate hunger for him and that in that moment parted, slowly and muttered ( _You were supposed to leave)_ with such a wrecked voice and you-

You knew then, as you cupped his face, the sour certainty of your answer to his statement ( _We couldn't leave without you_ ) hanging heavy on the air and the starving rage that fueled your actions on that fateful night. You knew then, as you held him-fingers tangled in wet curls- with one arm after you had gutted him like a pig, as you embraced him with a gentleness you never thought you were capable of. You knew, as blood merged and poured on the floor-the betrayal consuming your person mask-that you loved him. That was the moment you realized you were in love with Will Graham, had always been, from the very first moment you crossed paths with the rude, sarcastic, ill-mannered profiler (you would have laughed at the irony if you had had the capacity to do so, if it hadn’t been for the unexpected overbearing pain).

The only one who could truly see you, understand you, know you.

Watching him bleed at your feet, you also discovered you hated him. A burning passion of hate and love and anger, at him, the man who betrayed you, and anger at yourself because the entire situation was not supposed to happen. You weren’t supposed to feel anything to begin with. For the longest time, you had prided in the knowledge that you were above petty human emotions, no strings to bind you, no meaningless relationships to burden you. You were a free man, in complete control of every reaction, action, murder; anything you decided to do was deliberately calculated with cold precision. Then, you met Will Graham. And life as you knew it till that point ended drastically.

And you hated him and loved him equally in that instant, for you had never felt so strongly. In ways, it reminded you of how a younger version of yourself used to feel, so passionately and with no filter; it brought you back to cold winters in a faraway land and the soft bleak smiles from your little sister.

And you hate him for making you feel anything at all, you hate him for lying to you, you hate him for how easy it was for him to do it and for how easy you fell for his act. One night, that was what it took. A bat of long eyelashes, cheap cologne hiding that atrocious aftershave, that messy curly hair styled and the promise of a potential simmering underneath the façade of normality- a potential for a partner and an equal. That was all it took. You have never been a believer.However, on that day in your office, you became one. You dared to believe.

God enjoys committing what in other people’s eyes might be considered as monstrous acts. You wonder if he enjoyed putting Will in your way, hinting at greatness while knowing that in the long run the only possible outcome for the both of you would be for him to end up draining bit by bit on your kitchen floor. A tragedy in the making.

The worst thing is knowing it had begun as a game. It was not supposed to mean a single thing to you. Nonetheless, you knew sooner than Will had said in broken gasps-

_(“Did you believe you could change me? The way I’ve changed you?”_

_“I already did”_

_Indeed, he did_ )

-that it had meant a lot more.

You shattered a teacup on the floor, saw as it broke in a thousand little pieces with the solely hope of gluing back together, to mold it in your image, the way you wanted it to be, to transform it into something beautiful. You didn’t count on the possibility of getting cut with the jagged edges, and that was your mistake. The joke was on you. And on him, for thinking that he could get away with making a fool out of you and turn up unscathed.

That’s why you had to do it. Given that Will seemed so adamant on throwing out any pretense out the window and destroying the bond you had, why not give him what he wanted then? So you did it. Too enraged and hurt to ever admit it out loud, you slit sweet Abigail’s throat with the old cold precision you used to have, you didn’t even hesitate severing the remaining link between the betrayer and the betrayed. Ironically, you felt nothing over the spurts of blood flowing from her neck. Will screamed and you were entirely numb, letting the dying girl fall too, right next to Will. A shame but it had to be done.

_(“Put your head back._

_Close your eyes and wade into the quiet of the stream”)_

While you spoke, you looked at him one last time before you left, and thought that maybe that was how heartbreak felt like. Heartbreak, you understood, was the two of you-patiend and doctor, predator and prey, friends, partners, betrayer ad betrayed- stuck in a never ending circle of what ifs and in every single one of them, somehow, you would always find yourself with the sharp end of a weapon stuck in Will’s guts.

And as you walked away, you let the rain fall over you, picturing it would wash away the remainders of the sand castle.

But even then, you knew (you still know) you would never be truly free from him.

Even now, you know, nursing a glass of wine in your hand in an apartment in Florence, Bedelia submerged in the bathtub in the next room, the ever beautiful and perfect companion, you know-

You will always wish for that reality in wich your pipe dream came true.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Congratulations for reaching the end of this mess!!! Hope you liked it, if it made sense. I wrote this on a whim, you know, when the feels over mizumono just strike you out of fucking nowhere and you sorta need to vent somewhere (YOU DO NOT GET OVER MIZUMONO).
> 
> Soooo, don't forget to leave kudos or comments so I can improve (kudos are my natural life source) and if you happen to want to talk to me about this wonderful show or whatever don't be afraid to hit me up at my tumblr www.thirstyforhughdancy.tumblr.com .I'm also on twitter as @MurderHusbands99.
> 
> With no further comments, thanks again for reading. Muchas gracias <3


End file.
